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A common question that I am consistently asked, at least a couple of times a week is:
“Why do I self-sabotage?”
So whether it is self-sabotage with binge eating, whether it is self sabotage with relationships, whether it’s self sabotage with friends, with family, with kids, self sabotage of goals, whatever it is, self sabotage is something that I am consistently asked about.
FEAR DRIVEN GOALS
Why do people self-sabotage? Normally it is based on fear driven goals. Now by fear driven goals, I mean that there are two types of goals. There are goals that are affirming to our life purpose or also called life affirming goals that make us feel good about what we are doing. They make us feel good on our journey to success, because really, goals are nothing apart from stop off points, they are stop off points that give us direction on how to go or where to go in life. So having goals is important because then we know what direction we are going in, and we also know where we are going, yet the goal isn’t that important to our journey.
Our journey is the important part as that is where change starts to happen, that is where we learn through our processes, we learn through our pain, we learn through our pleasures, we learn to have fun, we learn the joys of having a relationship or relationships with people. We learn a lot about ourselves on the journey because we have to overcome barriers and problems and so on. Yet when people are setting fear driven goals, and by fear driven goals I mean, the goals driven by the belief that they are not enough, or that when they do something then they will be enough, or then they will have enough or they will be accepted or then they will be liked by others. For example it might be a goal about money, so, “When I have money, then I will be accepted by others because then people will like me”. Or “When I have money or a big enough house or when I am powerful enough then people will like me and people will do what I ask them to do”.
These are more ego driven goals like “When I have the body I want with a six pack and the big chest, the perfect bum and legs then I will be accepted, then people will love me, then I will be able to look in the mirror and accept who I am as a person”.
Acceptance is really what it comes down to. But they are fear driven goals, because when people head in the direction towards those goals, they are driven by pain. They are driven by the pain of not being enough, or driven by the pain of not being accepted, normally by yourself first and then others and because of that, being driven by pain is kind of like having a lighter or one of those hot torches with the big flames that come out of it, having that put up your backside, which makes you move but it still creates pain.
It creates an unconscious pain, a subconscious pain that we are not even aware of until at some point our brain says,
“I have had enough of this, I have had enough of this pain, I need something that is pleasurable, I need something that makes me feel good for a split second”.
That could be food, that could be going out and spending your whole week’s wage on a brand new wardrobe or buying an overpriced car, or an overpriced house that you are going to struggle to pay off over the next 30 years. It might be not going to the gym or going away and doing something fun where you drink and you eat heaps of food for a week or two which most people call a holiday. And that is there pleasure point because they have been driven by pain for so long that the only way out of the pain is to have a pleasurable experience. However that pleasurable experience usually causes more pain because it conflicts with the goal we had in the first place where we feel like we are not enough if we are not achieving that goal. As a result it puts us back on the self-sabotage journey because we feel like crap, we feel horrible about ourselves, we feel like we have punished ourselves, we feel like we have beaten ourselves up because we have had that quick enjoyment (e.g bought those clothes but now the credit card statement has come in and we feel miserable or we look in the mirror and look bloated because we ate a pizza and some sugary delights and bakery food). This happens because we have been pushing ourselves for so long to try and achieve a goal that is based on fear.
ALIGN YOUR GOALS
The truth is, if you want to achieve goals, they need to align with your life purpose, and who you are as a person and not who everyone else believes you are, it’s who you really believe you are on the inside. It’s about giving up all of the crap, all of the crap that everyone else thinks we should be like. For example when we were at school we were taught that we needed to be smart or that we needed to be good at sport, or that we needed to stand out above the rest, or we needed to have 10 million followers on Instagram to be worth something or whatever it is we need to give all that stuff up. It is great for our ego but it doesn’t make us anymore of a person and it doesn’t make us any more fulfilled.
When we give that up then we get to find out who we are as a person and what really matters in life. When you find out what matters in life, then you can set real goals and real targets to achieving the things that you want. And they are driven by pleasure and the things that drive your soul, the things that drive you to get out of bed each morning and go and achieve what you want in this world.
You don’t need to worry about what others think of your journey because it is your journey. If your goals are life affirming then you don’t need anyone else to tell you what your worth in the world, you already know what you are worth because you are loving to yourself and because of that you get to love others around you and you get to care about others. You get to do the things that you are passionate about in life and when that happens, you will get people who will tell you that you can’t do it, they might even fight against you and tell you that you are doing the wrong thing. But when you do it over and over again because now you have that passion, that fire that brings you life, that makes you feel alive because you can do it now without worrying about what other people think. Eventually you will get to a place where the vision inside your head becomes reality and the vision that everyone else sees. When everyone else starts seeing the vision that you have created then you will get people telling you that you are lucky, lucky because you get to live the life you desire, that you are lucky that you have achieved everything that you have wanted to achieve in this world, lucky that you feel happy each and everyday when you get out of bed. They will tell you that you are lucky and that it just happened. Anybody who is passionate about what they do knows that is not the truth. The truth is that you have done what you love, that you have found out who you are and because of that you are getting to live the life that you wanted to create.
Spend some time, sit down, spend some time alone and figure out who it is that you are, because when you figure out who you are you will find your self worth. And when you discover your self worth you will realise that you don’t need the ego loading crap that the rest of world tells us we need in order to be worth something. You get to let all of that go and you get to live not only for yourself but for everyone else because now you have the energy to give to everyone else as well, no matter what other people’s intentions are.
This is something that really needs to change, there needs to be more leaders out in the world creating change. That is my goal to create a global shift with the Mojo Community. To create more and more leaders out there, people who are leading themselves to a greater path, a greater life, a greater destiny.
Happiness starts within, love starts within, creativity starts within then it all expands out to the world. We need more of that.
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