Today I’m talking about the thing that really gets in the way of a lot of people being themselves.
I think one of the biggest issues we have in our society at the moment is we’re in a society of comparisons where someone else has more money so you don’t feel good enough. Someone else has a better body so you don’t feel good enough. Someone has a better family so you don’t feel good enough. And we’re living in a society of comparatives, and especially with things like social media and Instagram, there are so many people out there who compare their life that they get to live on a daily basis to a whole bunch of people who are only showing you what they want to show you, which then creates a whole bunch more sh!t.
Now, one of the things that I’ve found, especially working with thousands of clients over the last couple of years, running probably one of the most advanced coaching certifications in the world at the moment in our High Performance coaching and leadership certification, and also working with some of the highest performing leaders in the country as their private coach, something that I’ve found that really is the difference between helping people, something that helps people get ahead really, really fast
compared to most others who stay stuck, especially in the world of comparatives: Whenever you compare yourself to someone else you already start to put yourself down.
When you put yourself down, the only way to stand up and to stand strong again is to find something to be aggressive about, or to get angry about. Or to get frustrated about. Or after you beat yourself up enough, then eventually you’ll go, “F#ck this,” and then you’ll break out and you tend to use these crazy, volatile emotions to break yourself out of that. You’ll see that in our society a lot when people quite aggressive. It’s because they suppress what’s going on inside of them so much and beat themselves down so much that eventually they express, but they normally express in crazy, volatile ways and reactions, and that doesn’t help anybody either.
Something that has allowed me to help a lot of people who have been to our events and also a lot of my high performers that I work with, one of the key things is admitting to yourself where you really are and who you really are as a person. Every human being that I’ve ever come across is an extraordinary individual. Every one of us has extraordinary things that we do, and we do better than everyone else. And we do it in our way, so we live our life in our way. I’m living life in Mojo’s way, not anybody else’s.
My highest value in life is learning, and other people have learning as their high value. But they learn in different ways. Some people are very, very book smart and very intelligent. Some people are very good at reading social dynamics, like I am. Then you have other people who are very good at just talking to people in general, and just talking to everybody. My brother-in-law’s like that, where he can walk into a pub and he just talks to everybody, knows everybody. I’m not so good at doing things like that. Then you have other people who are book smart, very, very highly intelligent, but very withdrawn around other people, so they might all have learning as a high value, but they just learn in different ways.
Our value system determines how we live our life, what we’re meant to be doing, and what we prioritise in our own life. Now, one of the big challenges is that in a world of comparatives, most people tend to compare themselves to the best of others and beat themselves up for the things that they don’t do that well in. But that’s a sh!t way of living, because the truth is any time you see something in somebody else and you judge them for it, or any time you pedestal somebody or put them up and you think that they’re doing better than you, any time you put somebody else down, there’s exactly the same thing going on within yourself that you can’t see. And it doesn’t allow you to be yourself.
If you judge someone for being an a$$hole and you say, “That person’s an a$$hole and I’m sick of them being an a$$hole,” because they’re aggressive, at the same time you’re being aggressive towards that person even in your thoughts. So normally that’s a part of yourself that you’re trying to hide. There might be something else where you think someone else is way better looking or way more beautiful, but you don’t see the beauty within yourself. And so because of that it creates volatilities.
Every human being is beautiful, but the question is, how are we beautiful? Some people might look beautiful and attractive on the outside, but hate themselves on the inside. Now, does that make them beautiful, or does that make them destructive? Who knows? But the thing is that we’re everything, we’re all parts. Part of our life process is going through and accepting who we really are as a person. There are parts of myself that I think are f#cking amazing, and other parts that I think are extremely gravelly.
The other day I had someone that called me gritty, that I was a gritty person, and I would have to agree with that. I’m very f#cking gritty. But it just depends, we’re all parts. The more though we hide parts of our self and can’t see parts of ourselves, the more volatility it creates within us and the more we suppress and express in volatile ways. So that’s not a great way of living. You’ll find that the people who are struggling the most in life tend to hide so much of themselves and let things build up until they explode out and they express things in volatile ways, and that doesn’t make anything work well or function that well.
Our emotional volatilities have a direct correlation to parts of ourselves that we’re suppressing and expressing as part of ourselves.
I remember one day someone walked up to me at one of my events and they called me an a$$hole, and I was quite offended by that. I was shocked. As if I’m an a$$hole, I’m a great person. I’m the nicest person on the planet. And then I went home and I thought about it and it stuck in my head for a while until I realised that I can be an a$$hole. I can be everything. I can be a kind person. I can be aggressive. I can be friendly. But what I realised then was that the more that I admit to myself what I really am, then the less offended I become. Because now if someone calls me an a$$hole, the truth is I can be. Just like I can be other things as well. There are definitely plenty of people in our world that pretend that they’re a kind person, and pretend that they never get angry, or pretend that they never judge anybody. But the truth is they suppress it all until they express it and it comes out in gritty ways, very volatile ways.
The truth is that we’re everything. We’re all parts. So any time someone judges you, just remember that they’re just judging a part of themselves that they haven’t truly owned. Because anyone who owns part of them-self, they’ll know when someone else has gone and pushed the limits to what their capabilities are or what they’re expressing, and then you realise that you too do that as well, so you won’t judge people as much.
The whole spirituality movement talks about a lack of judgement . The truth is, all humans are judgemental. But the things that we’re judging are parts of our self that we’re hiding. The things that we see in others are parts of ourselves that we’re hiding. The things that we admire in others are parts that we’re hiding in ourselves. The things that we criticise and we’re critical of in others are parts of ourselves that we’re hiding. So the easiest way is just to own those parts so that you can just get on with your own life and do your own thing, and be the greatest version of yourself that you can be and not worried about what everybody else is doing, or what everyone else is saying, because that’s stopping you from being yourself.
That also causes a lot of emotional volatilities. Part of the things that’s happening in our society at the moment is that people who are irresponsible and have a lack of ownership over those things, they will try to change everyone else relative to themselves instead of changing themselves relative to everyone else and not f#cking worrying about what everybody else thinks. But these days so many people are offended and worried about whatever else is going on, but the thing is that that’s them, it’s causing a volatility to them, and there might be groups of people that it’s causing volatilities to. But that’s always going to happen for those types of people who won’t take ownership of their emotions and whatever going on inside of them. Because the truth is, we’re part of everything.
I say it in some of my events, I ask, “Who in here will say to themselves that they’re a kind person and pretend that they’re kind all the time?” And a lot of people put up their hand and I say, “You’re not kind, because you’re just as aggressive as you are kind.” It’s just the aggression is on the inside because you let it build up and you get so angry and frustrated that other people use you, and you won’t put boundaries in place and hold people to those boundaries. So because you don’t use your aggression to keep people accountable to the boundaries that you set, you let them walk over you and then you melt down on the inside because you become grumpy and angry and aggressive and you start hating on other people. But you’re really hating on yourself, because you won’t own your aggressive part of yourself, the aggression that you have within yourself.
Some people are really aggressive, but they’re aggressive because they’re trying to be kind to others. I think any parent can see that when they’re with their kids, where there are times that they’re kind and there’s times where they set boundaries and they’re quite aggressive towards their kids because they know that without boundaries, kids will continually push the boundaries until society sets boundaries and parents don’t. And that’s how some kids end up pushing the boundaries to addictions or doing the wrong thing in our society, because they don’t have boundaries. They’ve never been set boundaries. So they’re some of the things that can happen.
I remember only recently having someone who came to me, and they said, “I don’t judge other people a lot,” and I said, “That’s bullsh!t, you judge people, but you just keep it inside,” and they sort of smiled and I caught them. Because the truth is we all do it. But when we pretend that we’re non-judgemental, we actually keep the judgements inside which then gurgle up like volatilities. So the emotional volatilities that we express are normally things that we’re suppressing on the inside. So it’s better off that we maintain balance inside and outside by taking ownership of all the things that are within us.
I’ve had plenty of people who’ve come to my events and they say, “You’re really inspiring,” and I say, “Takes one to know one.” Because you can only see people who are inspired by you being inspiring because it makes you gurgle up the inspiration that you have within yourself. That’s why a lot of people watch TV shows like X Factor or shows like that where people are scared and afraid and they hold themselves back, but they get up there and use courage in order to do whatever they love doing, and all of a sudden you become inspired by them having courage. But it’s just showing you the courage that you have within, and also showing you the inspiration that you have within. So we’re all parts of everything.
I hope this really, really helps, because it holds so many people back and when someone is suppressing and expressing in volatile ways things that are inside of themselves, or they’re pretending that they’re non-aggressive, or they’re non-judgemental, or that they’re a kind person all the time, the truth is that we’re everything, and the best place that we can be is balanced. Emotionally balanced, and thought balanced, not pretending that we’re one-side.
Carl Jung called it the shadow. That the more one person sways to one side and the more that they pretend they’re one-sided, or one thing, or the more opinionated they are to one side, the bigger the shadow that they cast that they can’t see. So that tends to be what happens, and that’s a thing that creates emotional volatilities. When someone takes ownership over all the emotions that they have, and all the things that they see outside of themselves are actually within themselves as well at exactly the same time, the faster they do that the faster they’re free to just live their own life and do their own thing and express their individual greatness out to the world.